April is an odd month for me.
First, there's Easter. Now, I love Easter. It brings back a lot of memories from my childhood, and is one of those like eleven or twelve times a year I go to church. But those of you who know me well know that I'm effing terrified of rabbits. Yeah, it's an odd phobia, I know. I can't help it; should probably get some help with that. I'm not exactly proud of it, but bunnies are not an okay creature for me. I do not find them cute. They are not adorable. They are not cuddly. They are sleeper cells of Satan, evil little beady-eyed demon spawn in the guise of an innocent childhood pet. In other words, Easter wreaks a little bit of havoc on my psyche. All the rabbit decorations make me nervous. Twitchy.
That is not the only reason April is an off month for me. Next week is the two-year anniversary of when I was hit by a truck, so I tend to think about a lot of things this time of year, especially the nature of life. In particular, how quickly it can be cut short. Now, don't get me wrong, that car accident wasn't too bad. Not nearly as bad as it could have been. I didn't break anything, just a few fractures and concussions and some blood. No permanent damage. So really, I'm just bitching philosophically here. But, you know me. That's kinda my thing.
So anyway. I was walking and suddenly there was this truck. One of those obnoxious big-ass trucks that makes your heart hurt a little bit for Mother Earth when they're not hauling large pieces of equipment in their beds. It was all I could see, and I only had time to think with just a tint of incredulity, "That truck is really close. God, it might hit me." I woke up a little later on the asphalt and my first words where, "What the hell was that?" I remember that I felt bad for saying "hell," even though I was groggy and seeing stars. That was back before I cursed like a sailor on leave, of course.
I was fine (obviously) but it gave me some interesting perspective. I'd had plans that day. I never expected it. It makes me think about how quickly life can end. How moments might be all we have. I barely had time for a quick, half-formed reactionary thought. After all the hours I've spent just thinking, processing things time and time again, running mental laps - it seems almost mocking. It makes me think about what's important in life. Not all those hours of thought, though they provide me with a foundation upon which to live the rest of my days, however many they may be - but rather, the people that I love. I spent an evening with a friend recently, and that was important. I helped a stranger. That was important. I made dinner and cleaned the kitchen with my parents, and that was important. Right now, my cat is attempting to monopolize my attention by cutting of the circulation in my arms and preventing my reach to the keyboard, and I'm sure that's somehow important, even though I had to correct the rampant spelling errors in this sentence when I could see the screen again. Love is what's important. But so is purpose. What we're meant to do - that's how we should be spending our days.
If you died now, right now, this very instant, would you be content with the life you lived?
Would you?
Because life can end so fast. So unexpectedly. I was guarded from the damage that should have occurred when I was struck by that car. My work is not yet done, I guess. But had I died then, I don't think I could have been satisfied with my life. I'd made a lot of mistakes in the recent past of that time. I hadn't yet atoned for them. I still haven't, I guess. But I've come to terms. If I died right now, there would only be a couple things I would regret. Not finishing my book. Not sharing everything I know with someone who needs it. Not visiting my grandma and making amends. I guess that means those are things that I should do. But other than those things? I'm pretty damn happy. I've lived, and loved, and laughed, and hoped, and helped and healed. That's enough for me.
Not that I'm planning on dying any time soon. Those are just the kinds of thoughts that run through my head this time of year. Don't let me get you down. It's only castles burning. :) (Ten points if you know that quote.)
Despite the skewed view I bring to April showers, life is oh so good. I am blessed and fulfilled. My family and I are close, as families go. They are dear to me. My friends know I love them. And I am loved, in spite of all my neuroticies. No, that's not a word, but it sounds like it should be, no? Like combobulated. That should most definitely be a word. If I ran Webster's, things would be different.
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